ரிலாக்ஸ் ப்ளீஸ்...

Indian & Paki regiments are engaged in a fierce gun battle. The indian side is spearheaded by a Sardar regiment.

Even after numerous rounds of fire, no material advantage is gained by either side either in terms of advancement or inflicting casualties.

So the Sardar's hatch a plan.

Hiding in the bunkers one of the Sardars shouts out

Sardar : "Chengez Khan"

Paki side : Gets up saying "Hazir hoon" (present sir types)

Boom..he's gone

Sardar : "Ayub Khan"

Paki side : "Hazir hoon"

Boom...he's done

Sardar : "Pervez Musharaf"

Paki side : "Hazir hoon"

Boom...he's gone

Pakis soon learn about this plan & decide to try it themselves

Paki side : "Balwinder Singh"

Sardars : No Response

Pakis wait

Sardars : "Abey Balwinder Singh ko kisne bulaya ?" (who called balwinder ?)

Paki side : "Mein" (me)

Boom !!!!!!

Is Computer Male or Female?..

A French teacher was explaining to her college class that in French,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
House is feminine "la maison." Pencil is masculine "le crayon." A
student
asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the
teacher
split the class into two groups - male and female and asked them to decide
for
themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each

group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender (la computer) because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is

incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible
later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending

half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however,concluded that computers should be
masculine
(le computer) because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won !!!

Roles in Heaven

Brahma - Systems Installation
Vishnu - Systems Administration & Support
Lakshmi - Finance and Accounts consultant
Saraswati - Training and Knowledge Management
Shiva - DBA (Crash Specialist)
Ganesh - Quality Assuarance & Documentation
Narada - Data transfer
Yama - Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant
Chitragupta - IDP & Personal Records
Apsaras - Downloadable Viruses
Devas - Mainframe Programmers
Surya - Solaris Administrator
Rakshasas - In house Hackers
Ravan - Internet Explorer WWWF
Kumbhakarnan - Zombie Process
Lakshman - Support Software and Backup
Hanuman - Linux/s390
Vaali - MS Windows
Sugreeva - DOS
Jatayu - Firewall
Dronacharya - System Programmer
Vishwamitra - Sr. Manager Projects
Shakuni - Annual appraisal & Promotion
Valmiki - Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document)
Krishna - SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle )
Dharmaraj Yudhishthira - ISO Consultant (CMM level 5)
Arjun - Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)
Abhimanyu - Trainee Programmer
Draupadi - Motivation & Team building
Bhima - MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM
Duryodhana - Microsoft product Written in VB
Karna - Contract programmer
Dhrutarashtra - Visual C++
Gandhari - Dreamweaver
100 Kauravas - Microsoft Service Packs and patches

நன்றி - ஹிண்டுமாமி வொர்ட்ப்ரெஸ்ஸ்

ரிலாக்ஸ் ப்ளீஸ்

Teacher : What is the chemical formula for water?
Student : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
Teacher : What are you talking about?
Student : Yesterday you said it's H to O !
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Raman, go to the map and find North America.
Raman : Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class : Raman!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Raman, how do you spell "crocodile"?
Raman: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
Raman: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher : Raman, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Raman : I is...
Teacher : No, Raman, Always say, "I am."
Raman : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
Raman : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish
him?"
Raman : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Raman : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father : No. Why do you ask that?
Raman : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and
one is blue with red spots !
Raman: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at
home.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher : Now, Raman, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
Raman : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Raman, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his ?
Raman : No, teacher, it's the same dog !
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no
longer interested?
Raman : A teacher

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quotes of the disillusioned husbands

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
- David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What
does a woman want?
- Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to
a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music
and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henry Youngman

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the
second one didn't." - Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong,admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once...
- Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
- Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."

நன்றி - பாக்யா

Uncanny, Ultimate Truths

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.

If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens.

He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls.

Especially for engg. Students----
If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming.

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

சில உண்மைகள்.. [அறிந்ததும், அறியாததும் ]

1. ANTS do not sleep.
2. Worker ants may live seven years and the queen may live as long as 15 years.
3. The sense of smell of an ant is just as good as a dog's.
4. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
5. Owls have eyeballs that are tubular in shape. Because of this, they cannot move their eyes.
6. A bird requires more food in proportion to its size than a baby or a cat.
7. The mouse is the most common mammal in the US.
8. A newborn kangaroo is about 1 inch in length.
9. A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime.
10. DOGS that do not tolerate small children well are the St. Bernard, the Old English sheep dog, the Alaskan malamute, the bull terrier, and the toy poodle.
11. There are 701 types of pure breed dogs.
12. German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.
13. There are more than 100 million dogs and cats in the United States.
14. Americans spend more than 5.4 billion dollars on their pets each year.
15. Each day in the US, animal shelters are forced to destroy 30,000 dogs and cats.
16. The Canary Islands were not named for a bird called a canary. They were named after a breed of large dogs. The Latin name was Canariae Insulae - "Island of Dogs."
17. Tapeworms range in size from about 0.04 inch to more than 50 feet in length.
18. A baby bat is called a pup.
19. It takes 35 to 65 minks to produce the average mink coat. The numbers for other types of fur coats are: beaver - 15; fox - 15 to 25; ermine - 150; chinchilla - 60 to 100.
20. The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.
21. CATS respond most readily to names that end in an "ee" sound.
22. A polecat is not a cat. It is a nocturnal European Weasel.
23. A cat cannot see directly under its nose. This is why the cat cannot seem to find tidbits on the floor.
24. Cats have more than one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
25. The biggest member of the cat family is the male lion, which weighs 528 pounds (240 kilograms).
26. The cat lover is an Ailurophile, while a cat hater is an Ailurophobe.
27. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
28. There is no single cat called the panther. The name is commonly applied to the leopard, but it is also used to refer to the puma and the jaguar. A black panther is really a black leopard. A capon is a castrated rooster.
29. PIGS, walruses and light-colored horses can be sunburned.
30. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
31. The biggest pig in recorded history was Big Boy of Black Mountain, North Carolina, who was weighed at 1,904 pounds in 1939.
32. An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.
33. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
34. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants!
35. A shrimp's heart is in their head.
36. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
37. A cockroach will live 9 days without its head, before it starves to death.
38. The largest cockroach on record is one measured at 3.81 inches in length.
39. A woodpecker can peck twenty times a second.
40. It may take longer than two days for a chick to break out of its shell.
41. Dragonflies are one of the fastest insects, flying 50 to 60 mph.
42. Despite man's fear and hatred of the wolf, it has not ever been proved that a non-rabid wolf ever attacked a human.
43. It is estimated that a single toad may catch and eat as many as 10,000 insects in the course of a summer.
44. Amphibians eyes come in a variety shapes and sizes. Some even have square or heart-shaped pupils.
45. It would require an average of 18 hummingbirds to weigh in at 1 ounce.
46. Moles can tunnel through 300 feet of earth in a day.
47. Howler monkeys are the noisiest land animals. Their calls can be heard over 2 miles away.
48. A quarter of the horses in the US died of a vast virus epidemic in 1872.
49. The fastest bird is the Spine-tailed swift, clocked at speeds of up to 220 miles per hour.
50. The world's largest rodent is the Capybara. It is an Amazon water hog that looks like a guinea pig and can weigh more than 100 pounds.
51. The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people.
52. The hummingbird, the loon, the swift, the kingfisher, and the grebe are all birds that cannot walk.
53. Snakes are immune to their own poison.
54. The poisonous copperhead snake smells like fresh cut cucumbers.
55. A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body.
56. The blood of mammals is red, the blood of insects is yellow, and the blood of lobsters is blue.
57. Cheetahs make a chirping sound that is much like a bird's chirp or a dog's yelp. The sound is so an intense, it can be heard a mile away.
58. The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth.
59. The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissible in an American court. 98% of brown bears in the United States are in Alaska.
60. Before air conditioning was invented, white cotton slipcovers were put on furniture to keep the air cool.
61. The Barbie doll has more than 80 careers.
62. To make one pound of whole milk cheese, 10 pounds of whole milk is needed.
63. 99% of pumpkins that are sold for decoration.
64. Every 30 seconds a house fire doubles in size.
65. The month of December is the most popular month for weddings in the Philippines.
66. A one-ounce milk chocolate bar has 6 mg of caffeine.
67. Carbon monoxide can kill a person in less than 15 minutes.
68. The largest ever hailstone weighed over 1kg and fell in Bangladesh in 1986.
69. In Belgium, there is a museum that is just for strawberries.
70. Popped popcorn should be stored in the freezer or refrigerator as this way it can stay crunchy for up to three weeks.
71. Coca-Cola was originally green.
72. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
73. The name of the entire continents end with the same letter that they start with.
74. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
75. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
76. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!
77. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
78. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
79. People say, "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
80. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest Tongue twister in the English language.
81. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
82. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
    Spades - King David
    Clubs - Alexander the Great
    Hearts - Charlemagne
    Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
83. If a statue of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
84. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
    Ans. - All invented by women.
85. Question - This is the only food that doesn't spoil. What is this? Ans. - Honey.
86. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
87. A snail can sleep for three years.
88. All polar bears are left-handed.
89. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
90. Butterflies taste with their feet.
91. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
92. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
93. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
94. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
95. Stewardesses are the longest word typed with only the left hand.
96. A dentist invented the electric chair.
97. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
98. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
99. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. .
100. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different

கடி ஜோக்ஸ் - 2

Nee evalo periya swimmera irundhaalum,
Tumbler thannila neechal adikka mudiyuma?

Ghee roastla ghee irukkum,
Paper roastla paper irukkuma!

Thanneera Thanninnu sollalaam;
Panneera panninnu solla mudiyuma?

Cream biscuitla cream irukkum,
Ana naai biscuitla naai irukkumaa?

Kaakka ennadhaan karuppa irundhaalum adhu podara muttai vellai! Muttai
ennadhaan vellaiya irundhaalum adhukulla irukkara kaakka karuppudhaan!

Trainkku ticket vaangi platformla ukkaaralaam; Aana platformku ticket
vangi trainla ukkara mudiyathu!

Sodava fridgela vacha ice cold soda aagum, Athukkaaga atha washing
machinela vacha washing soda aagumaa?

Ticket vangitu ulla poradu cinema theatre; Ulla poittu ticket vanguradu
operation theatre!

Sirpi kalla uliyaala adicha adhu kalai;
Naama sirpiya uliyaala adicha adhu kolai!

Nama evalavu vegama nadanthaalum
Oru kaal munnadi pona oru kaal pinnadithaan pogum!

Vaayaala naainu sollalaam;
Aana, naayaala vaainu sollamudiyuma?

Quarter adichittu kuppura padukkalaam;
Aana kupura paduthuttu quarter adikka mudiyathu!

Neenga bikela evlo thaan fasta ponaalum
ungalayae neenga overtake panna mudiyaathu

Poison 10 naal aanalum payasam aaga mudiyaadhu; Aana, payasam 10 naal
aana poison aaidum!

Puyalala karaya kadaka mudiyum;
Aana karayala puyala kadaka mudiyuma?

Nee enna thaan costly mobile vachirundhalum, Athula evalavu thaan
recharge pannalum, Unnalla unakkae call panna mudiyathu!


Enna thaan meenuku neendha therinjalum
adhala meen kolambula neendha mudiyadhu!

Innaiku thoongina nalaiku enthirikalam;
Aana naalaiku thoongina inaiku enthirika mudiyuma?

Naaikku naalu kaal irukkalaam; aanaalum adhaala kaal mela kaal pottu
ukkaara mudiyaadhu!


Yennadhaan nagapaambu attagaasama padam yeduthaalum Adha theatrela
release panni kaasu panna mudiyuma?

Arisi kottina, vaera arisi vaangalaam;
Paal kottina, vaera paal vaangalaam;
Aana, thael kottina, vaera thael vaangamudiyumaa?

Files naa ukanthu paakanum;
Piles naa paathu ukkaranum

Nee evalo periya padipaaliya irundhalum
Exam hall la poi padikka mudiyadhu!

Kovil maniya namma adichaa saththam varum; Aanaa kovil mani nambala
adichaa raththam dhaan varum!

Meluga vachchu melugu vathi seyyalam;
Aanaa kosuva vachchu kosu vathi seyya mudiyathu!


Idli podiya thottu idly saappidalaam;
Aanaa, mookku podiya thottu mookka saappida mudiyuma?

Pallu valina palla pudungalam;
Aanaa kannu valina kanna pudunga mudiyuma!


Pant pottu mutti poda mudiyum;
Aanaa mutti pottu pant poda mudiyuma?

Hotella kaasu illainaa mavvaatta solluvaanga; Aanaa, busla kaasu illana
bus ota solluvangala?

Sun TVla sorgam paarkkalaam;
Aanaa, sorgathula Sun TV paarka mudiyumaa?

Chairman chair mela ukkaralaam;
Aanaa watchman watch mela ukkaara mudiyumaa?

Paaku marathula paaku irukum,
Thaeku marathula thaeku irukum,
Aanaa panamarathula panam irukaadhu!

Ennadhan aeroplane maela parandhaalum,
Petrol poda keelathaan varanum!


Evvalo kaasu kuduthu planela ponaalum,
Jannala thiranthu vedikkaa paarkka mudiyaathu!

Brush vachu pallu clean pannalam;
Aanaa pallu vachu brush clean panna mudiyathu!

Key boardla key irrukkum;
Aanaa motherboardla mother irruka mudiyaathu!

Tool boxla toolsa parka mudiyum;
Aanaa match boxla matcha paarka mudiyaathu!

South India-la Narthangai kidaikkum;
Aanaa North India-la Southangai kidaikkumaa?

Cyclela poana cycling,
Trainla poana training-a?

Meen pidikiravana meenavan-nnu sollalam
Appo maan pudikiravana maanavannu solla mudiyumma?

Bus stop kitta wait panninaa bus varum - anaa
Full stop kitta wait panninaa full varumaa ?
Nallaa yosinga. Quarter kooda varaadhu!!!


Ennathaan ponnunga byke ottinaalum
Hero Honda, Heroine Honda aagumaa ?
Adhu pola enna thaan pasanga vendai kaai
Saapittaalum Ladies finger gents finger aaghumaa ?

Bill Gates oda paiyanaa irundhaalum
Kazhithal Kanakku podum podhu
Kadan vaangi thaan aaghanum.

Golusu pottaa satham varum anaa
Satham pottaa golusu varumaa ?

Seruppu illaama naama nadakkalaam
Anaa naama illaama seruppu nadakka mudiyumaa ?

Ilaneerilum thanni irukku
Bhoomiyilum thanni irukku
Adhanaala ilaneerila bore poda mudiyumaa ?
Alladhu bhoomila straw pottu urinja mudiyumaa ?

Ungal udambil kodikkanakkaana cell irundhaalum
Adhil oru cellil kooda sim card pottu pesa mudiyumaa ?

நன்றி பாக்யா
....